Why don’t I have a talent? My little brother discovered he could blow up a balloon with a single nostril when he was like ten. Life just isn’t fair.

I can’t even handle Downton Abbey right now.

Lifted weights yesterday, rolled around on my exercise ball and ran a mile.

Today more ball rolling and mile running. No weights.

I walked like two-ish miles with friends.

I wrote a paper and repainted my nails.

I resisted left over Chinese food.

Then took a melatonin pill and am listening to M83.

Insta-sleepy.

Night tumblr.

So I get this random fluttering feeling below my sternum sometimes. It may be a diaphragm spasm. It is completely painless, it actually tickles and I recognize it as a ‘good’ feeling.

I’m not sure what it is caused by. All my life I feel like I’ve been suffering from anxiety, but I’ve never actually consulted a professional. Anyways. I know when I am anxious or stressed it is there. Contrarily, when I get very glad or sudden excitement (not sexual btw) it occurs as well.

Recently I’ve noticed that if I do certain things, my breath sounds raspy. When I run down the hall, if I turn at an odd angle or if I expand my chest in any way; I can hear it. It is also painless. When I actually do real running or physical activity, I do not hear it.

Are these two things connected? 

Star Wars is my oldest love. I also love my dog. I love tea. I love solitude. 

I don’t have a boyfriend anymore. 

I don’t have a protector. Or someone to call whenever. Or take care of. Or kiss or cuddle.

But I have myself. I can pick up a sword and shield. I can fill my days with anything I please now. 

When I cry quiet tears, I stand myself in front of a mirror and stare myself down saying: “This is what I want. This is what I chose. I am 17 years old. I will be in college in 8 months.”

I broke up with my boyfriend today after fourteen months and ten days.

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People are twats.

I am going to stand on the edge of a cliff, but not jump.

Work is more important than sleep.

I stay up late to laugh and giggle,

And not give a care.

But then I too soon awake,

With a rat’s nest in my hair.

I worked on my AP English project all day then had to write a vocabulary story on top of it.

It turned into a crack fiction about how much people hate Mitt Romney and love Barrack Obama. It’s so biased that I am ashamed of myself, but oh well. I hope my teacher has the same political views as me.

Oh yeah I also added in stuff from my Government class that I usually sleep with my eyes open in. 

Guys it’s bad.

You know what would be fun?

Taking off all my clothes, leaving them on the embankment, and jumping into a body of water.

High peaks of anxiety atop mountains of stress. Slopes dot the mountainsides, creating precarious edges. They drop off into a thousand feet fall to the caverns below. The caverns are serene, but full of icy waters. 

If you stay on the peaks, you will suffocate.

If you stay on the mountain, you will surely fall to your death.

If you go into the caverns, you will drown.

This is where I am in my head.