I haven’t been in a good mental state.
Today I called up my best friend. She and her boyfriend came and rescued me from my intense loneliness. I spent the day with them.
I don’t know what is up with me. I keep making up problems about my relationship with a boy that loves me more than I can handle. I am starting problems in my own mind about my personality and weight.
For whatever reason I feel like I have lost power in myself. I feel dependent on my boyfriend. I can be happy separate from him, but he makes everything a hundred times better. I suppose the fact that he loves me more than I love him, frightens me. It makes me feel unsuited to be in a relationship with him.
Then I gain a little weight. It’s not a big deal but it just is something I can use as ammunition against myself. My personality. I’ve been told that I am a naive person mostly because everyone gets a clean slate with me. I trust everyone until I shouldn’t. Even then I am apt to give second chances. I tend to be childish, because it’s nice to be taken care of. In a way, I think it’s a form of manipulation. In turn I feel monstrous. All in all I feel as though I’m a little monster that uses my childishness as an advantage.
I go on to believe this is all just punishment on myself for being in love. Honestly I suspect anxiety as the cause. I will slap myself and get back to the place I was before. Because fuck if I’m going to let anxiety dominate me again. I won’t let it ruin my happiness. It comes at the beginning of each school year and it wrecks havoc in my life. Not this time.
I am in charge of me.
Let’s get empowered.